Dear Friends:

Dealing with the public, many people who call themselves “Christian” generally think of it in terms of either:

1. A social philosophy which espouses being a nice, polite, and fair-minded person
2. A ticket to eternal life in heaven
3. An organization which does good things for people in the community
4. An organization to which your family belongs to and into which you are born.

What I have noticed over and over again is that a person who thinks Christianity is any of these is missing the life-changing effects and implications of the gospel. Yes, Jesus dies for our sins, but the questions is, “If you believe that basic fact, how does that affect the way you live?”

All of us can find ourselves being ungrateful, selfish, bitter, and actually consumed with our own security, comfort, happiness and pleasure. But living as a Christian is living as a representative of Jesus, the only Jesus most are going to encounter. We have to change; we cannot reduce the work of Christ to a fortune cookie affirmation. It has to come from the realization that Jesus is the Savior, and without Him we cannot be saved…saved to eternal life, but saved to an abundant life right now!

The fact that Jesus can take away our sins also means that we no longer have to be hurt by other’s sins against us. We no longer need to be burdened by our own mistakes that we have logged throughout our lives. To be unforgiving of others and unforgiving of ourselves is continuing to make a memorial of our victimhood and our own depravity. Either way it is a form of idolatry and denies the full impact of the gospel. If we use our faith, it will be powerful, and it will be much more tangible than any religious activity which actually distracts us and wastes our time. Do you struggle with this? I certainly do sometimes, but I know the remedy. Are you stuck? Quit denying the gospel and get grateful!

I say this because our mission statement is “to save one life and change another, through the gospel of Jesus Christ.” Yes, we work with many secular and government agencies and our door is open to all. But we know that the gospel is powerful to change lives. The gospel is true no matter how we feel and our lives should prove it! I just wish that more people that say they are Christians actually acted like they understand this important principle. We all fall, but remember: we don’t have to stay there.

In Him Alone,

Tim Durham, M.Ed., Director of FLS

My husband, dog, and I live in a large, old historical house with big rooms meant to host a lot of people and that’s just what we did last Saturday afternoon. Around 20 adults and 20 children assembled into our house to attend a “Lambs among Wolves” luncheon/ Seminar. The seminar focused on protecting the personal safety of our children.
I had two reasons that motivated me to have this seminar. One was the alarming things I was hearing from parents in my office at Family Life Services. Did you know that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually exploited by the time they graduate from high school according to Childluresprevention.com? For parents this is a terrifying statistic but somewhat preventable if the parent and child are proactive. Parents have to be aware of the lures that perverted individuals use to groom, intimidate and exploit our children! It could be a matter of life or death!
The second reason I was moved to have this seminar was my own experience as a child with a sexual abuser, a neighborhood boy. That terrible event clouded my view of myself for years to come until Jesus wrapped His healing arms around me and set me free!
How about you? Are you a parent of young children or even a teenager? Do you know what to do to help keep your children safe from sexual exploitation and abuse? If you need help or just want information we are here to assist you.

Recently, Family Life Services sponsored a seminar that was held at Cowley College. The purpose was to investigate the latest scientific research about life in the womb and how it is affecting the culture’s understanding of life issues. This was an important event because our knowledge of who we are and how we got here leads back to the moment we were personally created. It also affects gender issues, politics, medicine, sexuality, and, well, just about everything. For these reasons, this issue remains one of the most important moral questions of our day. To show that this is not just a political concept or even just a religious one, I quoted Christopher Hitchens, an author and journalist who is one of the most well-known atheists of our time.

“I do, as a humanist, believe that the concept ‘unborn child’ is a real one and I think the concept is underlined by all the recent findings of embryology about the early viability of a well-conceived human baby… I feel the responsibility to consider the occupant of the womb as a candidate member of society in the future, and thus to say that it cannot be only the responsibility of the woman to decide upon it, that it’s a social question and an ethical and a moral one. And I say this as someone who has no supernatural belief.”

How terribly odd it is that many of us who are otherwise charitable and thoughtful simply cannot see what is clearly observable, even to a child, or, importantly, to an articulate adult who doesn’t even believe in God. Life itself has a purpose. Aren’t you glad you were born?

Family Life Services is hosting its annual banquet on March 2, 2019. Miss Kansas, Hannah Klaassen will be the key-note speaker. Call 620-442-1688 for tickets.

(Tim Durham, M.Ed., is the director of Family Life Services, an adoption agency, parenting and guidance center and prenatal education center.)

Emotional pain is all around us. Loneliness, and anxiety is experienced by all. Loneliness’s cousin, boredom appears whenever there is the slightest lapse of time without entertainment. I have been meeting with clients face-to-face for many years now. Just recently it became clear to me how this affects all of us and how our attempt to regulate this feeling is backfiring in a very serious way.

So many of us will do anything to avoid the feeling of loneliness. We are constantly bored and, after about 20 seconds of inactivity, we have to look at our phones, eat something, drink something, smoke something, watch something, buy something, or chew something. We have trained ourselves to be anxious if we do not have constant affirmation or constant visual distraction.

Like any invention, the marvelous electronics ones can be misused, and the ubiquitous ones are misused in a powerful and disturbing way. Some of us are very nervous and uncomfortable without a screen. We have television, movie screens and computer screens. It is cell phone that is misused so often since it is in everyone’s hand much of the time.

Think I am exaggerating? Did you ever see a group of young people walking down the street on a beautiful day—all staring down at their phones? They would rather text about what they are than actually enjoy the experience themselves. Have you seen a couple in a restaurant both texting endlessly instead of enjoying a conversation with the person who is actually present at the same time and place as they are? Am I the only one bothered by this?

There is always that screen to give us that little boost we need. But it appears to me that we need the boost more and more.  If we forgot our phone and left it at our house, we will drive back—not matter how much time it takes. The thought of living a full day without our little screen is unthinkable. People look at a screen most of the time not because they are being productive; they need a dose of fake attention and fake entertainment.

Young people who are growing up with the ever-present screen do not know how to regulate their emotions without a screen. We are actually training them to be even more lonely, more anxious, and more disconnected. They would rather focus on the screen than communicate face-to-face with anyone about anything. The basic art of being calm and content without constant visual stimulation has been lost. The art of conversation and storytelling is very rarely experienced and cannot compete with the electronic gadget which is perfectly developed to dominate our attention and therefor our lives.

I suggest you set aside times for conversation and times dedicated to phone-free and other screen-free experiences. Simply turn your phone off or charge it in a different room than you sleep in and a different room that you enjoy others in. Maybe you can rediscover how nice it is to be heard and to listen carefully, without reacting to the electronic ringtone that interrupts demanding we stop enjoying each other in that beautiful, natural way. People have talked to each other face-to-face for a long time. Even our ears are perfectly designed and tuned for this very activity. Try it sometime. Yes, it is not as trivial, shallow, demanding, and rude as you are used to, but I bet you’ll like it. For my clients who have decided to disconnect from the electronic culture and reconnect to human beings, every single one of them have thanked me.

From time to time, the big wheel turns, and everyone becomes more interested and anxious about political issues. The good news is that people are trying to be informed. The bad news is people are often misinformed and, much worse, purposefully uninformed. Vibrant, intelligent discussion about political subjects deteriorate in name calling. We all know at least that one someone who so easily declares that anyone who disagrees with him must be “stupid.” So much for “vibrant.” So much for “intelligent.” Unless you decide to live as a hermit, you will encounter this situation just about everywhere.

We know that Calling someone with whom you disagree a “Nazi” or a “fascist” is like other name calling—it bypasses the necessity to provide evidence and to persuade intelligently. Nowadays, so many have a strong prejudice and even hate for those who do not agree with them. It is the latest form of discrimination. Surely no one reading would say such a thing, right? But even if you would not, you don’t have to go out of your way to find yourself the victim of such brutality.  What to do?

As a practical matter, remember that when most people argue, they don’t really know how to do it. In other words, having a real debate requires very refined listening skills and when people “fight” they are not listening. You can tell that someone is not listening when they:

1. Interrupt or talk over the other person
2. Change the subject often
3. Get loud or act exasperated
4. Resort to name calling and generalization. My favorite is, “you people always….”
5. Look at the other person aggressively and with disgust.

You cannot get your point across in this situation. They do not want a discussion. They do not want a debate. They want a street fight. Don’t go there.

Now some people aren’t verbal street-fighters, but they just don’t have the capacity to be civilized during that moment in time. So, don’t try to talk to anyone about anything controversial if they are: tired, hungry, drunk, or otherwise distracted. They just can’t focus. You might want to also check yourself. Are you up to being brilliant and polite? If you don’t feel like you are, wait for another occasion to put on your political commentator hat.

If someone is not capable of listening to you, it is annoying, but don’t despair. People really care a lot more about what you do than your opinion, and you can control that. People say a lot of things, but we know how sincere or insincere they are by the way they live their life. No one can take that away from you. So, if someone calls you a name or acts hateful because you do not agree, thank God that you can continue doing good. Words are very important, but deeds are better in every way. In some situations, you don’t have a choice because words are failing to have an effect, but good deeds will eventually win any argument. Wait and see.

You’ve heard it before: We have more modes of communication than ever before, but we are more disconnected. We have more mobility, but we feel trapped. We have more stuff than our parents and we need more “storage solutions” just to organize it all, but we are less satisfied. With our high-tech world, we can easily wall ourselves off from any others that are different or challenge our thinking. Loneliness abounds. What are we missing?
I have found an amazing secret that has many, many unexpected benefits. Chief among these is having the satisfaction of knowing your positive effects on the people around you.
The simple act of going out of my way to be kind to the strangers in my life—and there are many, even in a small town, is packed with joy. Nowadays people don’t even know their neighbors anymore because of the above-mentioned isolation and false intimacy that characterize this modern world. Many broken people are right under our noses or at least within arm’s reach, but we chose to not notice.
What happened to basic hospitality? How about taking some fresh baked cookies to the new neighbors on the block? Don’t talk yourself out of the idea—I promise you they will welcome you, even if they are on a diet! A simple act such as this is so disarming and almost always is a positive experience for everyone. Try it and see.
Is someone is having problem with their vehicle or looks a little lost somewhere? Ask yourself, “How would you like to be treated?” We think we are too busy to take the time to do anything anymore that does not directly and immediately benefit ourselves. What a loss.
Be a little more generous with your time. Break the electronic addiction. If you have not seen your neighbor for a while, go over and just tell him you were thinking about him. You have no idea what kind of difference you might make, but you will certainly create some real joy.
The forgotten art of hospitality proves that doing something truly wonderful is often easy and doesn’t cost a fortune. You just have to be willing to try it and see. I heard that on Mother Teresa’s wall there was a framed quote. It said, “The problem in our world is that we draw the circle of family too small.” Well said, Mother Teresa, well said.

What would it be like if you could easily stop doing whatever it is that you want to quit? There are bad thoughts, addictions, annoying tendencies and habits, as well as disruptive and hurtful behavior. Oh, if we could just turn it off, wouldn’t that be great?

Years ago, when I was getting my Master of Education Degree in Counseling, the professor at a seminar instructed us to come up with a “brand new counseling technique” that we would share with the class. I thought it was a good idea to inject some humor into the activity. When it was time for my presentation I described a new technique that was “truly revolutionary”. The description was as follows:

1. It would only take one very short session.
2. It was guaranteed to work.
3. There was a catch—the client must listen carefully and agree to do exactly what the therapist said.
4. The client would come in, sit down, and the therapist would look at him and say, “Stop it.”

The prospect of this “new technique” is interesting because it reminds us that we are the ones who must control our own behavior, and it can be achieved. It is also hilarious because, if it were that easy, there would be no need for the painstaking efforts of the therapist to develop a relationship, instruct, and encourage.

But the question remains, “How can be just stop it?” People must be honest with themselves in a setting where they are not judged or constantly defending themselves. They need to talk to someone not emotionally involved (not disappointed or angry at them). Most importantly they need to be heard with such intensity that the result is that they can think more clearly and begin to develop a workable plan to modify their behavior. It helps to know that this is a process and direction is more important than willpower. Our culture’s tendency to want a quick fix is a major problem for recovery as well as the attitude of victimization (“it is everyone else’s fault”). Yes, it is a little more complicated than it seems at first.

So, if you really want to “stop It,” be honest with yourself and your counselor and commit to the process. If you work as hard as your therapist works for you, you will have a much better chance developing the skills to control your behavior and eventually say “no” to want you want to stop.

If you are a human being alive on planet Earth, you have attended a meeting. Some of us must attend a lot of meetings because of our work or position in the community. Meetings can be fun, but most of them are a lot of work. Some meetings are a train wreck if members strongly disagree about what is going on and/or dislike each other personally. Though you cannot prevent someone from embarrassing themselves, you should always prepare yourself so that you would not say something you regret. You also just might change the atmosphere to a more positive light that benefits everyone.

1. Remember that the person you are annoyed by or disappointed in may be having a really bad day. It helps you to assume that they are not at the top of their game and you must give them some slack.
2. Don’t expect to have the attention you think you deserve as you speak. Most people have never given a second thought to how to listen and very few have been professionally trained. Yes, I did say “professionally trained.” Listening is a genuine professional skill that humans do not inherently possess.
3. Don’t belabor the point you are trying to get across. It will help if you are extremely clear and concise about your message. Don’t get lost in the “weeds.”
4. If you feel the communication is working, you might be tempted to “get it all out” once you start but remember that people have limited bandwidth and patience to deal effectively with the tedious nature of personal conflict or even sustained concentration. If you push too hard to conquer territory intellectually, it might blow up in your face and you may lose all the progress you have fought for. Continue being thoughtful and careful, even if things are going well.
5. Remember that even your most wonderful and insightful ideas will often be ignored or shot down by people who are not paying attention, don’t care, or have not been given enough time to absorb what you are saying. Try not to be overly annoyed at them. Most of us tend to ignore or criticize anything new. It is part of our human nature made even worse by the fact other’s ideas usually include an element that requires a lot more work on your part, not theirs. In addition, they are doing you a favor by intellectually testing the weaknesses of your proposal.
6. Always listen carefully anyway, remembering that almost everything we see around us was simply an idea at one time that needed work and developing. The best ideas might come from a random place or at an inconvenient time. Don’t let your fatigue or annoyance with a person cause you to miss the only productive, insightful, or positive thing they might have to say during your time with them at the meeting.

Have fun with this (if possible) and don’t give up. You might be the key that turns that uncomfortable and unproductive get-together into something that delivers satisfying results after all.

Once a couple is asked to join our small/active group, the average time is about 18 months.  I have had couples place in only two months and I have had couples waiting for several years.  It is not exactly "First Come, First Served" because each adoption is different because every child is unique.

Some birth mothers are very specific about the characteristics of the couple with which their child is placed.  Others trust this agency to simply find a good home and don't have particular requests. Either way, most birth mothers like to meet the couple face-to-face on one occasion in this office.  Of course, we keep addresses, phone number and all such information confidential.  We think this helps with the bonding process for the adoptive parents and with the healing process of the birth mother to have a high degree of privacy during and after the adoption.

Closed adoptions have their specific advantages, but we have done a few open adoptions when the situations were special and ideal for everyone involved.  Either way we counsel the birth mother to be reasonable with her requests and try to negotiate and agreement that is fair.  Usually all the birth mother request are to meet the couple once and get pictures about every six months.  Sometimes the parents have relinquished the child (not a newborn) to the agency and are not interested or available to meet with the adoption parents.

If the adoption is straightforward in the sense that paternity is not a complicated issue and the adoption is not at all at risk, we can usually rely on an attorney associated with this agency who will help the adoptive parents by charging a very reasonable fee.  Many agencies charge a huge amount for this service but we can usually provide this through an attorney who may charge about $1,500.  You will be able to contact this attorney yourself and get a better idea of his tasks and estimated fee.  You are, of course, allowed to use your own attorney if you like and we will be happy to provide them all the necessary documents to finalize.  Either way, attorney fees will be paid directly to the attorney's office and not to Family Life Services.

Our ministry statement is "To save one life and change another through the gospel of Jesus Christ." We care deeply for the baby and the mother and believe that this service is a natural expression of our faith.  As we meet physical needs, we are sensitive to the opportunities for discipleship at all times.  With this vision in mind, our reputation is based on these principles:

1. Our compassionate care of the birth mother long after the baby's birth and placement
2. Our integrated pre-natal programs designed to help the baby to arrive as healthy as possible.